There are some days that I wake up and feel utter exhaustion. The other day I woke up and knew it would be one of those days. When I got out of bed my body felt as if I was thrown off a horse. Don’t worry that really hasn’t happened. If I said I felt like a bus hit me, I may offend several people in my family. Needless to say I didn’t want to move or, let alone, get up. However, my stomach had other plans for me and I knew it was time to get up. I quickly went to my “office” in the TV room and collapsed. Apparently a flight of stairs was enough to make me tired again. I had decided I would be a couch potato.
I rested and then decided to go and see my horse. Even though I looked white as a ghost I figured he probably wouldn’t mind the day off and he would need to be groomed. I decided that I wouldn’t ride just in case I started to feel exhausted again. I would prefer to fall off my horse while we were doing something epic rather than just standing there. If you have met him you know it’s a steep fall.
I took my time grooming Joe and talked with everyone who was there. My horse was more concerned with the pile of carrots on the near by tack trunk then the people working on the roof. I kept getting an evil glare from Joe since I had yet to give him a carrot. I finally looked at him and said, “oh just deal with it.” What was even funnier is that he stopped looking at the carrots and looked forward. He clearly knew he wasn’t getting a carrot anytime soon. Don’t worry, once I was finished I gave him some treats and put him in his stall.
Afterwards I grabbed lunch to go and went home to rest for the rest of the day. I was exhausted and knew that the best thing to do was to pick out some DVDs and watch some movies. I resorted to my couch potatoness and vowed not to move for several hours. Apparently my chemo decided that I needed just a day to chill and relax by doing nothing. I had already pushed my limit by just going to the barn to groom.
What many people don’t realize with my treatment plan is that I am taking my chemo pills six out of seven days of the week. I am not on a plan where its one-week inpatient chemo and two weeks off like last time. I sometimes forget that I have to pay attention to how I am feeling rather than hit the ground running. I take chemo daily and am trying to live day to day and in the moment. I have to “deal with it” every day and just go with the flow because you never know what might happen next or how I will feel.
On Friday I felt ok in the morning and decided to ride. It wasn’t until I was finished riding and put my tack away that I noticed my stomach had other plans. By the time I got home my stomach was still really sick and I knew it was time to call the doctor and take some medicines. I spent part of my Saturday at the cancer center getting IV fluids. Since it was a weekend it wasn’t nearly as busy as it is during the week. I don’t mind the quiet especially when I am not feeling my best. I got to see and talk with a few of the nurses I hadn’t seen in awhile. I also made sure to pack a movie to watch which turned out to be a very good idea.
I think that the hardest thing for people to understand is that I look like a normal healthy person. If you didn’t know me you would have no clue what’s going on. I don’t look like the stereotypical bald cancer patient. I have a nice salt and pepper hair color. I also don’t have the same treatment plan as others. Recently I have been getting a lot of questions about my treatment plan. Every patient has a different cancer and a different treatment plan. Everyone’s illness is different. I spend my days riding my horse when I feel up to it and resting on the couch with my dogs at my feet. I usually say to my lungs and stomach daily, “keep your shit together.”