Back Again

      Silence isn’t always golden. As you have probably noticed I took a 9-month hiatus from the blog. I would like to say it was because I was busy but that wouldn’t be telling the truth. I made an executive decision to take a break from writing, which proved to be a major mistake. Trust me when I tell you that there have been multiple times where I have sat and started to write something but then later deleted it. In other words, I am back.

         This past week I was at Camp Dost when it hit me hard. When you don’t talk about what you have been through, it eventually catches up to you. I was suppressing my emotions to make everyone else feel comfortable. For me it is usually in the quiet moments when I have lots of free time and I am not in my normal routine. It is when I am in places where I feel most at ease and comfortable, that my anxiety comes out. I was sitting on the back porch of my cabin before the campers arrived when everything hit me. I had that heaviness in my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I decided to walk around and I quickly realized: it’s time to write about all the shit that has been happening. Luckily while I was at camp I was surrounded by people who understood what was happening and I was able to talk with them about it. It was the people who followed me into the Med Shed when I got that feeling, or took me on a walk or talked with me in rocking chairs when the anxiety came out. I felt better talking about it and knew its time to get back to writing.

         I want to thank everyone for reading this blog. When I first started writing I assumed that just my family and a couple friends were reading it. I never thought that my doctors would be asking me about the blog or telling me you should probably include this in your blog. This year on my Key to Keys trip I was encouraged by everyone to get back to the blog and writing. Even at camp someone who takes videos and pictures all week asked me why I stopped blogging and I couldn’t come up with a legitimate answer. I had someone tell me they missed the blog because it had brought laughter into her life. I appreciate those people who called me out and said I needed to get back to it. Clearly they knew what was up. 

         As for my treatment right now, all I can say is that I have been on a break from my meds and am working on a new plan. I don’t want to write about what’s happening next because it hasn’t happened yet. Don’t worry you’ll hear about it soon enough. I am still trying to enjoy the day and recall all the bizarre stuff that has happened. Let me tell you, I am still finding myself in situations where I think you really can’t make this shit up. 

         Here is a quick funny story until next time. Back in April I was at my local cancer center and decided to take a look at the “healing garden” which is outside. First of all, to get to it you have to go through this weird side door that locks when you’re out there.  Therefore, you have to shove a rock in the door to keep it open. As I was walking outside I noticed that the bench in the garden was no longer standing, but in 2 pieces. On the bench was a quote that read, “Believe…never give up.” Clearly that bench had seen better days and was supposed to be a symbol of hope to us cancer patients. I couldn’t stop laughing at it because who keeps a broken bench with this phrase on it in a healing garden? Just take it away instead of leaving it there. Hopefully by now it is no longer there.

         If there is anything I have learned over the past few months is that laugh often and surround yourself with people that make you laugh. I have been lucky enough to find people who laugh at my jokes. I am not sure if it is because they are actually funny or because they feel obligated to laugh on account of the cancer. Recently if anyone asks me how I am doing I say great and just have a touch of the cancer. Sometimes you have to keep people on their toes and guessing as to what you’ll say next.